I Don’t Want to Go Back to Who I Was Before Motherhood

There is so much conversation about finding yourself again after having kids.

Getting your body back. Getting your routine back. Going out again. Feeling like yourself again. Becoming the person you were before motherhood changed everything.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really want to go back.

Not because I don't like the woman I was before becoming a mom. Actually, when I look back at her now, I'm really proud of her.

I just don't think she realized where she was going yet.

I Was Always in Such a Rush

Before becoming a mom, I was always chasing something.

I've always been motivated, and that part of me hasn't changed. I had a vision for what I wanted my life to look like, and I was constantly trying to get there.

There was always another milestone, another goal, another thing I thought would make me feel like I had finally arrived.

And honestly, I was impatient with myself.

At the time, I didn't always feel like I was moving fast enough or even necessarily moving in the right direction.

Looking back now, I can see how much was actually happening during those years.

The decisions I was making. The work we were putting in. The risks we were taking. The relationships we were building. The things that felt so small at the time were quietly creating the life we have now.

That younger version of me would probably look at my life today and think, this is exactly what we were working toward.

I don't think she would necessarily be surprised by it because I think I always pictured some version of this life.

I just wish she had enjoyed the journey a little more.

I Didn't Lose Myself in Motherhood. I Lost My FOMO.

Before kids, so much of my life revolved around me.

Where I wanted to go. What I wanted to do. What I wanted to accomplish. What everyone else was doing.

There was always somewhere to be, someone to see, something happening that I didn't want to miss.

Motherhood changed that for me.

It wasn't that I suddenly stopped liking the things I liked before. I still love traveling. I still love getting dressed up. I still love beautiful things, great restaurants, working, building businesses and experiencing new places.

I just stopped feeling like I needed to be everywhere.

The funny thing is, I used to think that having kids might make my life smaller.

Instead, I feel like it made my life fuller.

A Friday night at home doesn't feel like I'm missing out anymore. Being home with my family isn't the thing standing between me and my life.

It is my life.

And I really, genuinely like it.

Maybe I didn't lose myself when I became a mom.

Maybe I was building a better one.

I'm Still Ambitious. I'm Just More Clear About Why

One thing motherhood absolutely did not take away from me is my ambition.

I still have goals. I still want to grow my career. I still think about what we're building five, ten and twenty years from now.

But the motivation behind it feels different.

Before, so much of my ambition was about getting me somewhere.

Now, I'm building something for us.

And I'm learning that building the life I want doesn't mean doing everything myself.

This is actually something I'm working through right now.

I have always been someone who feels like I can handle everything. But there simply aren't enough hours in the day to be completely present with my kids, grow a career, take care of a home, take care of myself, manage every little task and somehow do all of those things well.

I'm learning to delegate.

I'm learning that just because I can do something doesn't mean my time is best spent doing it.

Because when I start putting everything in order of importance, my kids are at the top.

If I can take something off my plate that gives me more time with them, I want to do that.

I also recognize what a privilege it is to have circumstances that allow us to make raising our children such a big part of how we structure our lives.

I don't take that for granted.

If anything, it makes me even more intentional about protecting it.

I'm not trying to escape the life I have.

I'm working to protect it.

Motherhood Changed How I Think About My Body, Too

I think motherhood has also changed the way I look at my body.

Of course I still want to feel good. I want to be healthy. I want to feel strong. I want to look in the mirror and feel like myself.

But I'm not looking at my body the same way I did before.

This body carried my babies.

It changed because my life changed.

And while there are absolutely things I am working on and ways I want to feel stronger again, I don't want that process to come from hating where I am right now.

I think that is something motherhood has taught me in so many areas of my life.

You can want more for yourself without being unhappy with what you already have.

You can work toward something while still being grateful for where you are.

Those two things can exist at the same time.

Success Looks Different to Me Now

I still love nice things.

I'm never going to pretend that I suddenly stopped appreciating a beautiful house, a great hotel, a nice bag or an amazing trip.

But I understand those things differently now.

I think when I was younger, material things represented success to me.

They were proof that I was getting somewhere.

And what I've realized is that you can want something for so long, finally get it, be incredibly excited about it and then pretty quickly it just becomes part of your normal life.

The excitement fades.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy beautiful things or work for things you want.

I still do.

I just don't expect those things to make me happy anymore.

The things that make me feel the richest now are usually the most ordinary.

Having everyone home.

Watching my kids play.

Sitting outside together.

Going somewhere as a family.

Having flexibility with my time.

Being able to help the people I love.

Feeling like we're building something meaningful together.

Those are the things I want more of.

I'm More Careful About Who Gets My Time

Motherhood has also made me much more protective of my time and energy.

Not necessarily in some dramatic way.

I just understand the value of time differently now.

There are only so many hours in the day.

There are only so many weekends when my kids will be this little.

There are only so many bedtime routines, slow mornings, family dinners and random afternoons at home in this exact season of our lives.

I don't want to give all of that away because I feel obligated to say yes to everything.

That doesn't mean I never go out or never prioritize friendships or never do things for myself.

I do.

I just think about the tradeoff differently now.

My time feels more valuable because I know exactly what I'm exchanging it for.

I Don't Want My Old Life Back

Sometimes I see things about wanting to feel like yourself again after motherhood, and I completely understand what people mean.

There are pieces of myself I want to continue taking care of.

I want to take care of my health.

I want to put effort into myself.

I want to travel.

I want to grow.

I want to keep building my career.

I want interests and friendships and experiences outside of being a mom.

But I don't want my old life back.

I love this version.

I love knowing what matters to me.

I love that my priorities feel clearer.

I love being excited about the future while also being genuinely grateful for what is happening right now.

And I think that might be the biggest change in me.

For so much of my life, happiness felt like something that was waiting for me at the next milestone.

Now, I can look around and realize that so many of the things I once wanted are already here.

There is still so much I want to build.

There are still so many goals I have for myself and for our family.

I'm excited about who I'm becoming and what the next five, ten and twenty years could look like.

But I don't want to rush through this version of my life trying to get there.

If I could say anything to the younger version of myself, it would probably be this:

Be happy where you are.

Enjoy it.

Be patient.

You don't need to have everything figured out yet.

Everything you want is coming.

It's just coming in its own time.